School of Science

                                         AND  SO...

:
A million greetings,my fellow Pars fans,from the radiant and highly charged Bacchanalian orgy that is Chateau du Par.....the fine men of Jimmy's army finished the job in fine style today,with a convincing gubbing of Falkirk,followed by a rather heart pumping receipt of the trophy,all of which brought long overdue tears to the bloodshot eyes of your host.....

Having been roused forcibly from his putrid pit,the author was forced to cajole his protesting legs in the general direction of Chang's ghastly booze shop.....gagging shamelessly at the scandalously barren array of wares on display,I finally settled upon some of the dodgy swine's 'Mao's Red Army Amber',and rapidly goose-stepped back to Le Chateau......slipping smugly into the little-used trone du champion,(champion,mes amis....),your host enjoyed a rare day,as the Pars tortured the unfortunate Bairns with a display that merely confirmed the fact that Pars are champion quality....

Falkirk made their intent clear by inviting a good forty three people to enjoy the party,most of whom were accrued,no doubt,by the desperate ransacking of family favours all over the region....the sight of Pressley in a splendidly polished pair of PISHY BROWN SHOES was heartening,and,fair play to the man,he apparently withstood much abuse with a rarely observed sense of humour,and much humility,strengthened no doubt by his recent contract extension.....speaking of contract extensions,It's been a complicated week for Jim,but,today,one of his gambles already paid off.....NICK PHINN has always been a player I liked,and toward the end of last season,the kid was on fire...this season,the boy has been almost invisible,mostly due to injury,but he re-appeared today with a vengeance.....

After a brisk start,the Pars laid it it out in 18 minutes,when yet another pinpoint cross by Cardle found,to everyones amazement,THE HEAD of the diminutive Phinn....stunned by this apparent change in the laws of gravity,the Pars stumbled incredulously to a fairly comfy,if surprised half time lead...PARS 1-0 FALKIRK HT.....

Having just recovered from the remarkable stretching of Phinn's obviously elastic neck,the wee man DID IT AGAIN,after 51 minutes,somehow managing to elongate his toothy napper onto the end of a fine cross by McDougall....jings....with the game descending into boredom,Macca took off Phinn,to great and deserved applause,and brought on,to greater and even more deserved applause,the mighty,baldy legend that is ALEX BURKE...now,It's well known that I love the Burke,and my respect was enhanced even more today as he played out the whole scenario in the full knowledge that he will not be receiving a contract next season....having won the Scottish Cup with Macca at Kilmarnock,and been around ever since,this must have been a particularly pishy decision for Jim to make,and I'm glad I didn't have to do it......somewhat off-the-boil striker ANDY KIRK was then substituted for somewhat on-the-boil super sub PAT CLARKE,who swiftly confirmed his on-the-boiliness (what?),with a great striker's goal in 87 minutes,which sent the Pars fans (and I mean you),into glorious raptures of joy....

Pars fans,this was a fitting and poignant end to a fabulous season.....the astonishing events which unfolded before us all over the last several months served as a timely reminder that all is not lost in Dunfermline,nor,indeed,in the murky quagmire that is Scottish football....(murky quagmire,Pars fans....)...as we proudly parade our small fish in the spiceless big pond of the SPL,(I just died,and went to metaphor Hell...),remember this,Pars fans....our victory this season was ground out,to a certain degree,but,more importantly,was created by the visionary,er,visions of one man....and,with the vision of 'that one man' in mind,we at PARS WATCH are proud to announce,with much personal impatience,this years............

                     PARS WATCH "NEEBER OF THE SEASON"

It is reported with much joy,Pars fans,that this season was punctuated liberally with some excellent football,played in a pleasing style,which was obviously a source of much joy for the players,as well as the fans...certain players,having been encouraged to play with some personal freedom,have been a revelation this year...Cardle and McCann have been well impressive from the start,and the January signings of the keen Buchanan,the impressive Rutkiewicz,and the ominously determined Hardie have served only to enhance my well documented opinions about the gaffer...having been a fan of Jim since THAT PENALTY AGAINST HIBS, I have watched with great interest as the man wound down an impressive playing career,only to find a rather large and sudden opportunity thrust in his face...under no circumstances did I think it would last,but an impressive managerial start led to an even more impressive managerial appointment on a full time basis,and my amazement at this was compounded even more by the unheard of backing by  the board of directors....
now,I've been a Pars fan a long time,but not once have they ever agreed with my line of thinking,and this astonishing turn of events has stunned me more than anything...with a quietly determined style,unfazed by the often hysterical knee jerk reactions of a certain element,the manager has built a side,from nothing,and with no money,who have gelled remarkably well,played great football,and won the First Division....despite some unfortunate personal events,Boy Jim,along with the indefatigable Gerry McCabe,has provided some much needed class to the dugout at East End,and despite having to live in the fallout of Leishman's ego,the man is developing nicely into a strong manager who,along with his team,seems ready to learn some new things next year..and so,without a moments hesitation,this years GRAND NEEBER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to JIM MCINTYRE,FOR UNFALTERING DEDICATION TO THE CAUSE....WHAT A WEEGIE.....

Pars fans,as your host retires for a summer sojourn in the Bahamas,I want to take this opportunity to thank the many,many thousands of you that have accompanied me throughout this incredible season here on PARS WATCH....your unflagging support and sackloads of merry banter have ensured that we,here at Chateau du Par,have been able to continually bring you only the finest unbiased journalism...another adventure awaits soon,kids....an adventure that may take us to places sometimes remembered,but oft forgotten...but,what must never be forgotten,Pars fans,is that
                                  WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS AND WE ARE THE PARS


 

DUNFERMLINE ATHLETIC F.C.    SCOTTISH FIRST DIVISION CHAMPIONS 2010/11    YA DANCER

Greetings,champion lovers,from a thoroughly pished Chateau du Par.....the libations have been flowing liberally today,Pars fans,and I'm sure it was no different over at your hoose....Mr.Chang down at the bevvy shop has enjoyed a splendid day,but not as splendid as our day,kids.....

As I rose,trembling,from the fetid,fear soaked stench of my sleeping quarters here at Le Chateau,I had an epiphany,Pars fans.....now,I swear this is true,and I'm obviously not the sort of person who just makes stuff up,but here's what happened....A vision,Pars fans of a sundrenched Cappielow,awash in a sea of black and white,and a solid champion performance that sealed the title for the Pars....I saw it,I felt it,and the Pars sealed the deal with a brilliant away win in Greenock that won us the whole shebang.....what a day....


Initially,Pars fans,my early morning glut of consumption was interrupted,nay,disturbed by the news that Martin Hardie was off sick,a shock revelation which almost made me forget to sook the foam off the top....this news was offset somewhat by the welcome re-introduction of Kevin Rutkiewicz,which settled my nerves a wee bit.....this was offset even more after 8 minutes,when the big man pumped a lumping header goalwards,and was forced to watch as STEVEN MCDOUGALL got handily in the way and claimed a classic poachers goal.....After the game,McDougall was allegedly heard to mutter "I always use the back of my kneecap in those situations",but that is ,as yet,unconfirmed....The Pars were apparently taking it to them,but despite some good chances,no more goals followed....MORTON 0-1 PARS HT....


Your happy host,having speedily acquired some of Chang's dubious beverages at half time,oozed himself smugly into the second half....after a bit of pressure from the home side,Pars accrued some breathing space,when the notorious jinky wee man DAVID GRAHAM skelped a rasper,by all accounts,into the bottom left hand corner....ya beauty....at this point,Pars fans,a warm and nostalgic glow began to shine around the normally God forsaken halls of Le Chateau.....having spent many a decade hauling my increasingly frustrated carcass through the tortuous rollercoaster ride that is the Pars,your host has experienced much minor glory,and even more major sadness.....days like this are (mercifully) few and far between,and,having spent the last half hour of the game methodically removing my already thinning hair,your host was so overcome with emotion at the final whistle that he spilled another can of lager,for the second time this season....


Pars fans,this is what it's all about....some folks are already talking about the crappy season we'll have next year,and,frankly,I'm not looking forward to epic battles for 7th place against St.Mirren either,but that's next year,kids....a far more in depth season review will follow next week,and I bet you can't wait,but for now,Pars fans,let's bask in the glorious sunshine of a fabulous season,peppered liberally with superb football moments,and enjoy our coming out party at East End next week.....in front of a thoroughly pissed off Falkirk.....now that's rubbing it in........


Speaking of rubbing it in, (eh?) it's time,folks,for our desperate-to-be-syndicated weekly feature,PARS WATCH "NNEEEEEBBER OF THE WEEK!!!!".....This is truly a week where we at PARS WATCH are suffering from a welcome glut of neebers....(glut of neebers,Pars fans....).....with the magnificent strike that sealed the title,your author was poised to bestow the award upon wee Davie Graham,and I still might change my mind...however,Pars fans,we at PARS WATCH are proud to be in the company of similar crappy blogs which LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE...my joy was completed today by the incredible sequence of late goals which finally dumped our nearest and dearest rivals...Queen's late,late goal against rovers was particularly satisfying,since rovers have made a rather annoying habit of the same thing all season,and Ross County's winner against Falkirk just made my day....what this proved to me,Pars fans,is that the Scottish First Division is a vastly more entertaining and unpredictable league than the Scottish Premier,and that the teams in this division are perfectly capable of playing stylish football that people want to see....and so,with that in mind,this weeks treasured award goes to THE TEAMS OF THE SCOTTISH FIRST DIVISION,EVEN FALKIRK,for providing superb footy over the last season....


Next week,kids,will be the worst day in Steven Pressley's life....with the trophy being presented,combined with a full house of steaming Pars fans,Mr.Pishy Brown Shoes is in for a deservedly awful time....Jimmy's boys will be like the Harlem bloody Globetrotters,in my opinion,and provide a fitting finale to the season...eagerly covered.....here....on....PARS WATCH   TONY'S PREDO PARS 3-0 FALKIRK....WE ARE THE PARS AND         WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS



 

VICTORY! 

 Greetings,Pars fans,from an insufferably smug Chateau du Par.....the events surrounding East End Park this week were nothing short of astonishing,and the wild scenes up the Halbeath Road on Saturday were surely a joy to behold,although possibly quite timid compared to the wild scenes up MY road after the game,let me tell you.....

As usual,your host emerged from the rancid depths at a quite ungodly hour of the day,and proceeded to wind and weave my bleary way to the shining beacon that is my local wine merchant...surveying the trembling,sleeping,snorting apparition before his stunned eyes,he smiled a wise Eastern smile ( I think he's from Watford....),nodded sagely,and,humbly tending his meagre wares,offered this pearl of oriental wisdom....."You were out on the pish last night,weren't you ?"...slobbering an indecipherable reply,I hastily beat my retreat,and skidded through the tradesmans entrance of Le Chateau with my customary bag of nerves in tow....

for this truly had the makings of a superb sporting occasion,Pars fans..a packed house,a surprisingly interested media,as well as all the usual derby day stuff,made sure that your author was soon a dribbling wreck....I was enthusiastically accompanied by the fine lassie at DAFC.NET,whose enthusiastic text report was quite,quite brilliant...no sooner had Kirk volleyed a fine effort off the woodwork,than the strange curse of the ubiquitous Mr.Chang,purveyor of overpriced beverages to the increasingly desperate,struck again...having no doubt encouraged this to happen,mainly due to my animated posturing during the game,it still came as an unpleasant shock when I opened a can of lager,only to watch,aghast,(aghast,Pars fans...) as it exploded in a perfect arc into the horrified lap of my computer.....now,this has nothing to do with the football,but I have to tell somebody....anyway,having barely rescued the sodden contraption from certain doom,the bloody rovers scored YET ANOTHER SPONNY GOAL,which is now something of a hallmark for them...PARS 0-1 rovers HT...
Half time at Le Chateau was punctuated by much pacing,frowning,cursing at inanimate objects,and harried guzzling of repeated cans of Mr.Chang's awful Cambodian "Khmer Rouge Special Reserve"....the equaliser had to come quickly,and it did,courtesy of,once again,THAT MAN MARTIN HARDIE...another thumping backpost header set the tie up for a grandstand finish,and the Pars took it right to them....12 minutes from time,the seemingly unstoppable Hardie launched a quite magnificent free kick over the rovers wall and into the top corner.....total class...the last 15 minutes passed in a state of naked fear(naked!) for your host,and the roar at the final whistle must have been truly priceless....
Pars fans,this was,by all accounts,a great game of football between two fine sides...as an advert for First Division football,games like this go a long way toward convincing the procrastinating chaps at the top that teams like Pars and rovers deserve top flight football...the restructuring of the Scottish game is long overdue,and it was proven yesterday that these kind of teams can bring big support to the table...It was also a great advert for football in Fife,which is personally pleasing to me,and showed the potential for strong sides outside the big urban centres...
So,speaking of big,urban centres,it's time,kids,for our much anticipated weekly feature PARS WATCH "NNEEEEEBER OF THE WEEK!!!'....despite some unfortunate off field events,this has been a brilliant week to be a Par,folks...everyone connected with the club has been knocking their socks off,and none more so than the imposing force that is Martin Hardie...the big man's form has been truly frightening in recent games,and the 35 year old madman is obviously determined for another crack at the big boys...I saw the second goal on youtube,along with the reaction it provoked,and the man is,without a doubt,a magnificent acquisition for the team....and so,on this winning weekend,this weeks award goes to BIG BAD MENTAL MARTIN HARDIE,for big,bad mental service over and above the call of duty...what a bear...
Next week,kids,it's back to reality with a tough visit to Greenock..a win at Cappielow would seal the title,so it's squeaky bum time again,kids...I think we would all prefer to have a little less stress in the final game...we shall see,but just to be sure:TONY'S PREDO PARS 3-0 MORTON...KEEP THE FAITH,BECAUSE WE...ARE THE PARS....

 

 

 

 "A feckin' Neeber Award, lad. I come all this way, and, a feckin' Neeber Award."

  Of a Saturday morning,here in the primordial soup that is Chateau du Par,things can often be a wee bit hectic,Pars fans.....a blinding hangover was the first unwelcome companion to greet your host,accompanied,unsurprisingly,by a 45 minute layover in Hair of the Dog Land...Fortified supremely by warm,flat lager,the author was happy to note that the Pars were a goal up,courtesy of THAT MAN MARTIN HARDIE....

however,as my bloodshot eyes adjusted,under some protestations,to the alarmingly bright and lurid information before my very coupon,courtesy of the overly illuminated folks over at DAFC.NET,I sincerely thought that I may have brought my famous 'Hangover Jinx' to the table...

Merely seconds had passed since I shakily entered the East End cyberworld,when the all round good chap,(and talented musician,Pars fans) KEVIN RUSTYBITS was ordered from the park...PARS 1-0 QUEENS HT...Now,this was somewhat of a baptism of fire for your host,being a wee bit ragged and all,so the perilously short half time break was spent imbibing more pishy flat lager in a desperate attempt to achieve the level of sobriety so desperately needed for a game of this stature....

However,Pars fans,I need not have worried,because,in an alarming confirmation of my humble but informed opinion,Jimmy Mac delivered a stroke of genius,worthy of any under rated manager,by doing this....he takes off Buchanan,who was doing just fine,by the way,and shoves David Graham up the middle,with tons of space....now,I'm quite fond of Graham,but his form has been a bit erratic recently....however,on his day,he's a brilliant winger with a nice jinky wee man touch,and,in combination with the similarly jinky 'super'Joe Cardle,the Pars,WITH ONLY TEN PLAYERS,proceeded to take the pure pish out of Queens,ending the day with a rather handsome result...with the wee team winning as expected(with yet another late goal...),it looks increasingly like next week's derby will be the title decider...Falkirk are done,so they can get to...well...Falkirk,and your host will return next week,along with his highly impressive kidneys,to bring you the good news....

PARS WATCH 'NEEEEEBER OF THE WEEK!!!!'....with both rovers and the other team winning this week,the author was somewhat perplexed with regard to this week's neeber...however,detailed research ascertains that 50 years ago this month,Pars won their first Scottish Cup....in celebration of this momentus anniversary,East End was recently graced by the presence of none other than our rather splendid goalie of the day,EDDIE CONNACHAN....now,as we all know,Connachan was probably the single most important factor in our victory that day,and,having arrived on Halbeath Road DIRECTLY FROM HIS HOME IN SOUTH AFRICA,big Eddie proved that he is forever a Pars man,and,God help us,we could certainly use the backup...and so,with undying gratitude,this weeks oft-counterfeited award goes to the 'Black and White Cat',EDDIE CONNACHAN,for his sterling and continued work with our favourite footy team,kids...next week.......rovers at home,folks....tune in next week for some more fingernail-free wisdom,here....at the hallowed pages of....PARS WATCH....P.S.WE....ARE.....THE PARS.......OH,SORRY,TONYS PREDO PARS 3-1 ROVERS..WATCH THIS SPACE....

 

 

 

 

Stop thinking too much? I'm so not busted! 

 Here,in the relatively mellow midweek spectator-fest that has become Chateau du Par,your host considered that a moment of quiet,moonlit reflection might be in order,no....? During the insanity of March,some highly important events no doubt occurred,but what they were remains a mystery,at least until May....

The Pars came through a tough schedule with a record that proves,if nothing else,that they're tough to beat,and nobody I know would take issue with the fact that we're also top of the league.....ya beauty....there's been some talk about this two week break possibly causing a 'loss of momentum',and I see the point,but the fact remains that these boys are knackered,and a fortnight to recharge is a rare luxury at this stage of the season when teams all around are cramming in fixtures right and left..

.the opportunity for a full-ish,refreshed squad,all fired up for the run-in,is not something that troubles me as much as a shagged out,beat up crowd of desperados,so I'm perfectly fine with it, Pars fans....the squad has been cannily enhanced by La Jim in the last few weeks,due to his blatantly obvious personal friendship/arrangement with Dundee manager Barry Smith....severely hampered by a ridiculously heavy handed 25 point penalty by the SFA,the obviously talented Smith has also,as an unfortunate by-product,been totally unable to sign any of the many talented players that constantly present themselves.....which leads us nicely,Pars fans,(I do love my segues...) to the curious and much storied case of...of....DR.BAYNE AND MR.HYDE....

now,the circumstances surrounding Bayne are well documented,and,frankly,I'm always happy to have Graham Bayne around,no matter what the circumstances....but then,from out of nowhere,appears this boy Hyde.....Jake Hyde.....have you seen him...? his countenance is so indubitably dodgy,and his appearance from the nether regions of the English lower leagues so rapid and unexpected,and his monicker so supremely Gothic,that one can but wonder about his mysterious and dramatic entrance onto the crowded stage of Teatro Del Par.....

firstly,on the day of his trial for Dundee,he has to sign some hastily arranged papers to register as a player with local junior (non league) club,Lochee United...minutes thereafter,the Lochee manager,obviously another dubious acquaintance of Smith's,signs the road weary and somewhat bemused sassenach over to Dundee as a trialist,and,Jeckyll's yer uncle,the shellshocked Hyde is named in Dundee's squad against the Pars....

minutes after his debut begins,to an avalanche of indecipherable local patois,the unknown entity scores a fine goal,thoroughly pissing off everyone connected with the Pars,who begin muttering asides about rules being bent and laws being loopholed....fast forward seven days,and the mystery man is at it again,netting twice against the Cowden...obviously,at this point,plenty of 'phone calls were flying between East End and Den's Parks,since,lo and behold,seven days later the ghoul Hyde was turning out for the Pars,despite having scored against them the previous Tuesday...

.now,I'm all for a spot of rule bending,but this scenario is truly bizarre,and I sincerely hope that the backstage shenanigans(shenanigans,Pars fans...)of these upright citizens who represent football on the East coast don't come back to bite them on the arse...we shall see....anyhoo,Pars fans,enjoy the peace,and stop thinking so much....a great result for Cowden on Tuesday should have them all fired up for the big one against rovers at the weekend...we at PARS WATCH will be following events closely from our reek filled base here at Chateau du Par,and so,Pars fans,from the top of the league,I remind you all to keep the heid,and indeed the faith,because.......WE ARE THE PARS......

 

 

COWDENBEATH. 3-4-11

Tony MacDonald, via Ojai, California 

 Greetings from the top,Pars fans.....nice for a wee minute,isn't it....?....Jimmy's boys wrapped up a rather hectic month with a leisurely jaunt up the road to lock horns(horns,Pars fans....) with the lads over in Cowden...now,I've spent a lot of time in Cowdenbeath,and it's a brilliant place,but there was to be no dewy-eyed sentimentality to be found here within the crumbling walls of Chateau du Par,kids....

with superior advance planning,my normally meagre coffers were stacked to the brim with all kinds of goodies,thereby avoiding any repeat of last weeks trauma(see last weeks trauma)....my jangling nerves enhanced by the demon caffeine,I shakily tuned myself into the fine folks of DAFC.NET,who shakily proceeded to describe one of the pishiest games you'll ever read....

to be fair,Pars fans,the weather wasn't very good,the pitch,by all accounts,was,shall we say,not entirely conducive to Macca's concept of flowing,sexy football,and everybody from here to the Yetts O' Muckhart knows that Central Park isn't the Bernabau Stadium,but it seemingly wasn't the best of games....

what it jolly well is,however,is another 3 points in the bag for the boys,and another awkward fixture out of the way...my grim satisfaction at a ground out victory was enhanced even further by the fact that the winning goal was scored,with authority I believe,by none other than our own Ben Affleck Lookalike of the Century,LIAM BUCHANAN...

.apparently buoyed by his recent feature piece here at the hallowed pages of PARS WATCH,the wee man sealed the points with an hour gone,having apparently missed a sitter just before half time...Buchanan has turned out to be a good signing,he always seems game and scores pretty regularly...this,despite an alleged proclivity toward 8 balls and dodgy slappers,is another new player who proves to me what I always thought....Jim McIntyre knows what he's doing....3 great new players,along with the welcome return of Graham Bayne,and,for all you occult lovers, the somewhat shady acquisition of Jake Hyde(more on this guy later),all at bargain prices,folks....

Knockers(knockers,Pars fans.....)of Jimmy Mac would do well to remember that Pars have been first or second in the league all season,and,unless you support Manchester United,I can't think of a football team in the world that wouldn't be proud of that standard....so there you go...up next,Pars fans,is a fortnight without a game....as we chow down heartily on the torn,ragged remnants of our fingernails,kids,let's remember one thing...despite having an unenviable list of upcoming fixtures,a rest is well deserved and gives us a chance to get some injured players back(Kirk,for example...).....

so,while the boys take a little time,your host will take a little time to introduce this weeks PARS WATCH "NEEEEEEEEEEEEBER OF THE WEEK !!!!!"......a much appreciated aside to the important events in Fife this weekend,was a supremely huffy Steven Pressley getting all pissy at the end of another balls up by the luminous chaps over at Falkirk....

never a man known for his reluctance to exaggerate,Elvis managed to piss off his players,his fans,the groundsfolks over in Greenock,and,by refusing to partake in the traditional after match drink,EVERYBODY in Greenock,after watching his long suffering players scramble to an ill deserved draw....between this escapade,and his performance after(and during) the last game against the Pars,it's become clear to me(and I'll phrase this as diplomatically as possible) that the man is no longer capable of being in charge of a professional football team...

and so,without further ado,this weeks prized and oft-coveted award goes to the sterling fellows of GREENOCK MORTON FC,for halting the Bairns(how apt) apparent 'title challenge',and encouraging Pressley to make an utter tit out of himself in public....no predo's this week,Pars fans,but your host will return midweek for some more intriguing,popular,and highly purchasable comments about the Pars,here...on the hallowed pages of....PARS WATCH.....P.S.WE'RE TOP OF THE LEAGUE AND WE ARE...THE PARS.....


 

 

 

Tuesday, 29-3-11 Pars Go Top!

Tony MacDonald

 

Well,it's about bloody time,isn't it Pars fans....? After a rather strained month,wherein draws,rather than wins,seemed to be the order of the day,Jimmy's boys finally did the business on a dreich,cauld,and blustery nicht in the Highlands...I myself have also done the business on occasional dreich,cauld and blustery nichts in the Highlands,but that,Pars fans,is a whole different website....

My joy at going top (top,Pars fans)is somewhat tempered by the fact that we've played more games than anyone else in the league,but,having spent a nail-biting month smacking my head(smacking,Pars fans...)against a completely innocent and utterly disinterested,but handily placed,brick wall,well....I'll take it,kids....Here in the bullet-sweating,smoky arena that is Chateau du Par,things were somewhat hectic this morning....forced to run a few morning errands(errands,Pars fans........................),

I realised that time was of the essence,and broke instantly into a casual stroll....my progress was swiftly halted,however,by the not entirely welcome appearance of a known and highly dubious person of my acquaintance,who,upon seeing my crabit countenance,swiftly produced a battered and dented hip flask,and humbly proffered the scarred,aged vial in my direction....Overcome with horror and repugnance at the thought of watching the Pars half pished,I swiftly took a slug,slavered my goodbyes,and shot off to Le Chateau with barely seconds to spare.....athletically  leaping over my dialysis machine,I arrived just in time to discover that nobody from DAFC.NET was in Dingwall,and I was forced to sit through an excruciatingly slow report on the official website...

.it was worth it,though.....after 94 tortuous minutes,with other results going our way,I was about to do the head smacking thing again,when that man MARTIN HARDIE stepped up and launched a header of league winning quality into the back of a very surprised Queen's net.....ya beauty.....The Hardie is in particularly choice form right now,and I cannot stress enough how much the big,hard bastards in the team(Hardie,Rutkiewicz,Burke....)are going to make the difference on the run-in.....

It's nice to be back where we belong,Pars fans....with rovers up against the Dee next week,Macca's boys travel up the road to Central Park to face a newly resurgent Cowden...I love playing Cowden...which brings me neatly to our popular new feature(thanks,Bob)...PARS WATCH "NEEBER OF THE WEEK"....It is with no small pleasure,Pars fans,that ,following another splendid draw against a top side,that this weeks award goes to the mighty Blue Brazil,the fine neebers of COWDENBEATH FC,for stopping Falkirk's snotty attitude from lasting more than 24 hours...God bless'em...TONY'S PREDO SAT APRIL 2ND  COWDEN 0-2 PARS....WATCH THIS SPACE......P.S. WE ARE THE PARS.....

 

 *

 

 

 

 Pars fans,as I walk through the shadow of the valley of frustration,a number of things are beginning to seep,slowly,into my tortured mind...

.firstly,that the glaring absence of Andy Kirk up front has inspired a glaring absence of goals,or,at least,goal scorers....secondly,I am now forced to believe that the wealth of recent scorned opportunities to top this league are part of some Machiavellian master plan (Machiavellian,Pars fans..) hatching somewhere in the dark recesses of Jim McIntyre's brain.....and,thirdly,and most importantly,photographic evidence,both on and of the park,has led me to confirm that Liam Buchanan is neither a well regarded goalscorer,nor,indeed,Liam Buchanan,but is actually Ben Affleck killing time until the next "Good Will Hunting" royalty cheque arrives in the mailbox....

here in the tension charged environs of Chateau du Par,it was truly a difficult morning,Pars fans...normally,despite the unsociably early hour,my regular visits to the excellent text reports of those splendid folks at DAFC.net are punctuated with liberally flowing flagons of ale and corn flakes,served by buxom lassies (buxom,Pars fans..) in low cut dresses....this week,however,due to rapidly dwindling funds,and an even more rapidly dwindling liver,I was forced to imbibe tea (tea,Pars fans),surely an ominous sign...as the remnants of my body reacted violently to the unexpected tsunami of tannic acid,the Pars proved yet again that where there's a will,there's a way to screw it up...

the match itself was noteworthy only for yet more additions to the endless litany of missed chances and lost opportunities that have become something of a pattern this season...with rovers losing,as expected,in Grangemouth(it's not just a pretty skyline,folks),I probably should have known what would transpire at East End Park,but that doesn't make it any easier on the nerves,especially when all I have to console me are PG Tips...not a buxom lassie in sight..

.a difficult trip to the heather strewn wilds of Dingwall awaits on Tuesday,where another scoreless draw no doubt also awaits...however,in the interests of optimism(see last weeks prediction),I'll go out on a limb here...TONY'S PREDO FOR TUES MARCH 29th COUNTY 1-2 PARS...

 PARS "NEEBER OF THE WEEK"-well,I never thought I'd see the day,and it truly pains me to do this(pains,Pars fans),but this weeks coveted award goes to...to....FALKIRK FC...christ,that was sore...for dumping rovers,and keeping us (and them,incidentally..) in touch at the top...only one point in it now,kids...keep the faith....

Tony MacDonald

1 Raith Rovers 30 8 2 5 21 16 7 6 2 19 9 15 53

2 Dunfermline 30 8 6 1 28 12 6 4 5 23 17 22 52

 

Dunfermline, on a day when they could have delivered a jarring blow to the jaw of Rover's pretence to the title chose, yet again, to simply nip at their jugular. do they have enough time, enough in them, enough teeth to finally puncture and rip open the maddening pulse that is Raith Rovers? 

 

Kenyon Ledford

 

 *

"... the last time the ball bounced off him accidentally and plopped over a singularly unimpressed goal line was in 2009..."

 Hi, Pars fans. I'm on Live, right now!

 Tuesday, 22 March, 2011

By Tony MacDonald

 

Greetings, fellow Pars fans...firstly,I would like to apologise to the many thousands of you who wrote recently,and expressed deep concern over my recent absence from the hallowed pages of PARS WATCH...due to minor technical difficulties,and MAJOR emotional trauma,I was forced to temporarily retire from my duties as staff writer...the aforementioned trauma was caused,of course,by the Pars failure to win at Stirling last Tuesday....despite peppering the goal (peppering,Pars fans...) with umpteen attempts,the Pars neglected,again,to take advantage of a free meal...even the subsequent Saturday rout did little to improve my whines and spirits...many thanks to young Ledford for stepping in during these dark times..

anyway,enough about Ledford,because things were about to get serious,Pars fans...visits to Dens Park in Dundee are never easy at the best of times,but with Dundee on a rather alarming 21 game unbeaten run,and with raith at home to lowly Ross County,it was essential,nay,crucial,that points(even one) were gained in the City of Discovery...a close and vibrant matchup was assured..

.during my traditional pre-match warmup,Pars fans,the tension was beginning to tell...in the 17th minute,to my absolute horror and astonishment (horror,Pars fans..);I SPILLED A CAN OF LAGER ON THE CARPET....much to my chagrin....this was surely an omen, as a mere 15 minutes later not only did the Pars score, but the scorer,to my utter joy and complete befuddlement,was none other than the magnificently balding all-round hard arse ALEX BURKE...now,for you Pars enthusiasts who may be unfamiliar with the scoring record of La Burke,the last time the ball bounced off him accidentally,and plopped over a singularly unimpressed goal line,was in 2009...but...get this....(this,Pars fans...)...HE SCORED WITH A 30 YARD SCREAMER....ya beauty..DEE 0-1 PARS 1 H-T

The 2nd half....frankly, this potion of the game was frequently interrupted by continual visits to reports from the Cup game between our boys in Brechin,and St.Johnstone...nevertheless,my interest was somewhat piqued in the 71st minute when Dee scored..frantically sucking the lager out of the carpet,my knees and fists merely a bloody relic of their former selves,my misery is further compounded by the news that rovers have equalised against County...ye Gods,man...anyway,more end to end stuff followed,but no more goals..

.with rovers drawing at home against the supremely fine Highlanders of ROSS COUNTY (THIS WEEKS"PARS NEEBER OF THE WEEK",A NEW AND EXCLUSIVELY BANAL FEATURE OF PARS WATCH.all is same old same old at the top,Pars fans.....up next,Partick on Saturday,kids...TONYS PREDO PARS 2-THISTLE 0...raith have a tough game,and your host thinks that this weekend is a real chance for the boys to go tops...and wouldn't that be tops...?

By kenyon Ledford

 

For once the Pars put a boot onto a neck begging to snap, and snap it is what they did, 4-1. Raith, in the meantime, handled their opponent like a hysterical washer woman thinking moths were bats. It's on, now, it is. Not laughing yet, though. Not until the outcome of this campaign is settled to the good of dunfermline.

 

The tables show us in the arrears by two. It's touching wood and throwing salt time.

 By Kenyon Ledford

 

With Rovers chowing down at home against Cowdenbeath on the Tuesday, the lads plopped a steamy one against Stirling, 1-1 to throw to hell their accomplishment the Saturday before. Here is the league table to lay bare the embarrasment:

 

1 Raith Rovers 27 8 1 5 20 15 7 5 1 18 7 16 51

2 Dunfermline 27 7 5 1 24 11 6 3 5 22 16 19 47

 alive  and  kicking!

 Tony MacDonald

 

It doesn't really get much better than this,Pars fans.....not only did Macca's Army do the business against our charming neighbours,but our other ,slightly less charming neighbours took a mighty skelp in the puss,courtesy of the fine men of Partick...
 
.Here in the early morning,smoke enhanced and alarmingly tense atmosphere of Chateau du Par,things have started early...guts wrenching with horrific nicotine addiction,the author was forced to stumble(stumble,Pars fans...),like a listing galleon,in the general direction of the local fag shop(UK USERS ONLY)...
 
Pars fans,you must remember that,due to my lack of proximity to the Halbeath Road, I am ,in fact,careering around ,in splendid isolation,at the crack of dawn...as the nicotine rolls in,Calum Woods,of all people,rolls in to make the perfect head start to the day....not bad for a Liverpool boy...hello,Ken...but,Par fans,it only got better before half time,as Marin Hardie(a shrewd and very clever signing by Jimmy Mac,in my opinion) cracked a dobber of a shot into the falkirhirepeatfalkirk net...H-T BAIRNS 0-2 PARS..
 
.Best part of the live text that I was following,Pars fans,was the brilliant,and supremely enthusiastic response of my man at DAFC.NET,who credited Andy Kirk with the goal in the initial cold fingered but joyous reaction...tops...
 
So,Pars fans,with rovers taking a kicking,it's on again,apparently...don't you love it?Oh sorry,I forgot to mention that falkirk scored a highly dubious penalty in the 2nd half,thereby ensuring that TONY"S PREDO FALKIRK 1-2PARS (see last week's post,Pars fans) was absolutely spot on...
 
maybe I'll move to Vegas...tune in Tuesday March 15 for more drunken slavers from PARS WATCH,A UNIQUE AND CHARISMATIC FEATURE OF THE WRITING EVERTON SITE...P.S. WE ARE THE PARS...
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