School of Science

COMING TO GOODISON PARK THIS WEEKEND


 



 


                                                                           I HATE auto-correct...




                           Crap. I liked it better the other way.  



 Well, the Mad Potters come to Goodison seeking the top spot as oldest football club in the world. However, to achieve that milestone, they are going to need Notts County to help them out by falling into a fantastically large suck hole. Okay, job already done, but Notts still exist, and the suck hole is League Championship, or one, or whatever. 

Stoke, meanwhile, are like the neighbors everybody tolerates while waiting for them to get kicked out of their house. However, these gopher-eaters somehow manage to make the house payments each month so they can grill shrunken heads on the bbq and hold family head-butting contests on the front lawn each Tuesday.

The footballing team has a slew of players with palindrome like names, which is to say the first name could be the last name and vice-versa:


Carlo Nash

Cameron Jerome

Charlie Adam

Michael Owen

Geoff Cameron

Asmir Begovic

Look for sightings of Shawcross, Huth, and Crouch.


Face it. Any one of this handful of failed syllables will probably find a way to screw up your Saturday, and Everton have just given us all a reason to believe. Of course, what this means is that Everton are going to pull the carpet back from under your feet and send you back to work feeling mean, hungover, and snakey-eyed. 

Stoke will score first, Everton will chase the game, and then Stoke will score again in the last quarter of the match. All of Goodison Park will then be celebrating, because by then, all of Goodison Park will be Stoke City fans.



   Hang on, everybody, we on the M 6 Motorway!

 


 

Wheee doggie! This here looks like Goodison Road! 


 

Step on it, Jethro! We done got Bill Kenwright, his little missy, plus three points! YEEHAW! Stoke on Trent, here we come! 




 



Y'ALL COME BACK, NOW, HEAR? 

 


 16 March 2013 SATURDAY:



FLOPS, FOPS, OVERPAID LIMP WRISTS, AND UNDER-COACHED PIECES OF CRAP COME TO GOODISON FOR A MATCH AGAINST MACHESTER CITY




This is how it says the teams will line up this Saturday


 


 





THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THE EVERTON LINEUP IS THE NAMES ON THE SHIRT.

 

History has shown that Everton will often follow up a horrible dog-shit eating performance with either a gutty win, or a School of Science win. I doubt this blue shower of turd is going to repeat their shameful non-show against Wigan. However, I don't see them making us forget it, either. Look for the blues to play decent, gritty football and lose two goals to one. To paraphrase Bowie, the football on the pitch won't look like no football at all. This group is going to have to go a long way to put the taste back into tasty.







 

           





              "Durrr, Durrr, Durrr... "



   DOH! 

Jonny the Rocket (Scientist) 

 

Owie, that booing hurts! 





 

Ha ha, I play football like Martin Short! 

Football is hard when your teammates suck! 

Gibson, in action against Wigan 

Bully Victim, lolz

God is great, this guy sucks. 





Me no like signing name. Hard to spell. Can I go to Champions League now?

 




This is a plague that signifies that Scottish Footballers Suck! I won it just last week! Ha ha, I'm not even Scottish!







 

      Go get 'em, Tigers! ha ha ha


 

 




Because of my absolute lack of creativity lately,  I have had to call in guests to do my match previews for me. Today's match preview comes from 

J Macca of the LASH Forum:




dont ever get married because women are twisted fucking cunts.

Alcohol is calling, cherio.. 

 

Cheers, Macca. Look for Everton to concede in the first twelve minutes and chase the match the rest of the afternoon before Moyes finally brings on that blond guy from Rangers as time runs out. Alcohol is calling, cherio..










 



 

 

Tuesday, 25 February at Goodison. I Can't Even Remember Who We're Playing, Why We Are Playing Them, Or What We Are Playing Them For. 


Dear Reader, 

It is, in all likelihood, a team that begins with O. Oatsdale, Olwith, whatever. All I know is that we strode to their neighborhood like big stiff cocks and came limping home. Once we licked our wounds we went back out on the road to freaking Norwich, bursting at the seems, and returned home like shriveled, used condoms that never really came in handy or were needed. What a bunch of dicks. Oh, but now we're supposed to fill up our home stadium to watch our team...what? What is our team going to do, and why is it that we are supposed to watch them do it?

Great, we're going to watch Everton “destroy” a league 7 team by a score of 3-1. All the slugs who never score will score and we will rise up, bang our spears on our shields and then watch Everton piss their soggy drawers against Reading on the weekend. Our best players have one foot in Old Trafford and the other in Stamford Bridge, and our second best players are crocked, tired, and trying to figure out why things have to be so fast in England, our third best players are greying at the temples, and our fourth best players have zits and are on loan.

When we have a lead near the end of matches we throw defenders on the pitch to clog up our dodgy goalkeeper's view of things, and when we are trailing we throw on cult heroes from third world countries who have fed off more free turkey dinners courtesy of the UN than they have crosses. Of course, were this idiot Moyes not in charge of the team, we would probably have some hack who can't speak English busting Paul Gascoine out of whatever mental institution he's in so he can boss our midfield for next year's relegation battle. In the meantime, I, like you, will probably weep tears of joy at the prospect of an Inter-Toto Cup campaign and our oh-so-close dalliance with the semi-finals of the FA Cup if not for that pistol-hot Reading club we ran smack-dab into. I hate you, Everton.

 

 

     Mouthy Mauro at it Again??? 

             JACK IN THE BOX






DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUM-DAH-DEE-DA-DA...DUH-DUH-DUM-DUM-DUM-DA-DA... 



                DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUM-DA-DA-DEE-DA-DUM... 








    "I WANT TO LEAVE EVERTON!" 


        

          Pop! (Goes the weasel) 










 

 Meet This Week's Opponent 



                                                                       Saturday's Match: 3pm at Craven Cottage




                Being: Fulham 




You're replacing me with a statue of who? 




 

       



             Not, who, Lou! LOL 





 

               I've been to a match. Why is there no statue of ME? 




 




 



 


            I told you. Die-are-ee. 

There is no  'ah' at the end.




 

Because, you're a Jew. Now go put this on Lou, he's getting cold. 



FUHAM: IT'S NOT WHERE YOU GO TO PLAY... 


 

 



 






 





 



  IT'S WHERE YOU END UP PLAYING 






                             Well, for some it's an upgrade...







 

UP NEXT: MEET QPR'S BOSS, MARK HUGHES 


                           A Discussion with Kenyon Ledford







 Let's do this, young fella. 





Mark, you used to play as a striker with Everton. Do you remember how many goals you scored for them? 





T'as boatloads, sonny boy jim, boatloads,    and the crowd sang to me and mermaids swam in from the Merseyside to rub their bajoongas up against me, and--



Actually, Mark, you scored one goal. 







--and the women threw underwire bras at me, and parents named their children after me, and John Lennon Airport was changed to-- 




Mark, let's talk about what went wrong for you at City. 





                                           Wrong?  






LOL, was it a little Italian Man, Mark? 





Let's discuss your current team, QPR. How do you plan to drag the club away from the relegation zone? 






With lots of these little blue and white scarves, lad. Lots of them. 




You're definitely going to need a goal or two from Youssouf Mulumbu this Sunday. Is the lad up to it? 





Mulumbu? Could you use it in a sentence? 


It has been said that you lack the creativity needed to be a proper football manager. What would you say to that? 






Creativity? Could you use it in a sentence?

Mark, the fans in London have--


 



Wanna see my George Bush   imitation, lad? 











 



 



Just kidding, lad. Shoot me another question. Go ahead, I can take it. 



Everton visit Queen's Park Rangers this Sunday. We have been talking with Rangers' manager, Mark Hughes 






All right, all right, you want Robert Dinero, do you? 







 






 

 

First Seven-Fortieth of the Season Review


                                                            By Kenyon Ledford 




 





The first 7/40th of the season saw Everton surfacing past the sinking Liverpool like a rescuer who barely fails at clutching the drowning victim, yet is ecstatic that he is the one to burst through the water's surface. Liverpool played their part expertly, with the frowning on the way to the bottom executed particularly well. There is a documentary about their season, called, "Being Liverpool, Or, "Dicaprio or Gerrard: Which Titanic Star Sucked Most?"


Well, as Anfield rails against Americans more than a bearded jihadist with a burning Yankee flag made from a smelly T-shirt with five stars finger-painted on it, Everton have gone about their business as usual, except that they have leaped to a jumping start and are fun to watch. Kevin Miralles has forced Moyes to consider putting his own son, Tony Hibbert, up for adoption in favour of a more attack-minded right defender such as that Irish guy that used to play on the right wing back when he was good. The left side of the midfield has time travelled and returned with a better future, and the middle of the defence continues to be like some kind of Viking rune game Moyes insists on shaking up in a goblet and slamming down onto the pitch to see what happens.


Everton continue to either pound crap teams, or struggle against them. Referees continue to view Everton as a team they can relax against, and the next game is our biggest test yet. A floundering team dying at the bottom of the table. Everton have a horrid habit of staring down into the abyss at these teams and calling down, "Are you all right?"


"Yeah, just give me your hand..."


Don't do it, Everton. You better don't...

 

BRING  IT  ON ?


 

 

  


Goodison Gloom Monday Night in Liverpool For Manchester Nancies









 

             



                 LOOKING AHEAD 






With the start of the Premiere League this Monday it is a good time to glimpse into the season. Because our beloved Tim is no longer here, look for everton to to acrue a few points before the ball turns yellow this year. With wantbackplease star Pienaar snapped back into both reality and a blue kit, and Ferguson's aggressive star-robbing ability gone the way of his shriveled hard-ons, look for Baines and Steven to create havoc once again, and jackals Jelovic, Mirralles, and Naismith to maim defences and have goalkeeper blood dripping from their fangs.

 

Rodwell is gone, so we can stop waiting for him to either live up to potential or get out of the trainer's medical ward, and some people with functioning hamstrings will be taking his place and taking the piss. Some people want to see Coleman claim Hibberts spot at right back so we can create some magic on both sides of the pitch. Did you see Hibbert's goal? That was magic. When the big boys placed the ball 'just so' and brought the 'tard on to give it a whack, only to have it actually go into the net...well, that is the kind of magic neither Hollywood, Disneyland, or faked moon landings can ever capture! In my opinion, or IMO, Hibbert is going to snap a few goals as well as legs this season.


Speaking of snapping, Ferguson will be snapping his gum with that confident look that a billion dollar payroll, RVP, and a new set of dentures gives one. That look will turn to anger, and then, by the final whistle, the sad faced look of a confused octogenarian wondering where his house is. Look for Everton to bolt out of gates Monday night with a 4-1 thumping of the reds. And look for Alex Ferguson to blow a bubble, have it break on his face, and not notice it. Nobody for United will have the nerve to point it out after the match, either.

I look forward to bringing you the match report. If you enjoy it, may tell someone about it? I am sick of pimping my site on web forums.


CHEERS...



 NEW STARS AND SOME NOT SO  NEW ON EVERTON'S HORIZON THIS SEASON



 

       STEVEN PIENNAR 

                              MIRRALLES

Dont worry, Moyes will soon knock that fancy shit out of him * 


*From LASH

Pienaar had time to model the new Spurs' sponsor before rejoining Everton 

 

AND... 






 






 



HA HA, DAS GOOT ONE, 

YAH? WAYNE ROONEY, AS IF. 

YAH, WHO TIE HIS KNOT IN 

DA TIE, DE FUCKING CLOWN 

MAN? HAY, I'M SCOTTISH, 

WHY I TALK LIKE DIS? HAR 

HAR HAR!


 



 

 

MICHAEL OWEN COMING TO GOODISON...reaction:



 

 Um, aren't you forgetting something






                


                 Oh, yeah, sorry, Mike 




 


Now get to work, and for God's Sake, don't pass up that little tart with the complaining, emailing father.


 

              BLACK FRIDAY



 

                       "TALK TO THE HAND" 

         WTF? 





 

"Ah, Geez. Here comes Royston. No, Don't look, don't make eye contact..." 

Davey! Oi! Hey, David! Oi! Gaffer! 






 

"A house? You bought a house in Liverpool? Hmm, how  very curious. Curious, and unfortunate." 

         "Meaning...?"


 





 




 

      "Don't sit down..." 

    "Yea Gaffer, what?" 



 



      MWA! Missing ALL of you already!




  

UNITED SET FOR TALKS WITH  EVERTON OVER BAINES SALE


Hello, David. That Baines you've got is a clever little fellow...

 



 



Go ahead, Alex. I've put on me special helmet. 



 


Heh, heh, heh. Your boy, Baines. What's it going to take to get this deal done?


 



 




Mmm...Baines...Baines, yes, that's a tough one, Alex... 



 



Oi, Davey lad. I was thinking somewhere in the area of ten million. 



 







 

That sounds great, Alex. He'll be there in the morning. Anything else I can do for ye? 



 

Yes, Davey. I like little boys. Have you got anymore in stock?




 






Mm, got a plump lad from Africa, name of Victor... 



 

 I'll be right over. I'm driving the ice cream truck. I'll jingle YMCA when I get there.



 



Okay, Davey? Hello? Hello?



 

FA CUP SEMI FINAL, WEMBLEY, OPPONENTS--LIVERPOOL...WHAT TO LOOK FOR 

 "You'll never walk alonnnee!"




"CUNTS ARE GO!" 

                                        


                                              Are you ready for some football? 






                    READY...

                                                 

                                                                                           AIM... 











 




 




 




 






 




 





 






                                                     Fire. 



 


             everton
 west brom preview 


Do you see what I have done? I have shown west brom getting SMASHED without saying it...except for right there.


Think I'M smashed? Let's see what Lawro from the BBC says: 





Everton v West Brom

Everton v West Brom

Everton's last two results were like Hitler smashing Poland.- very impressive but, as Kenwright always tends to do at this stage of the season, he's crying poverty again.

Nikica Jelavic has a hard name to spell even when you're not out of your skull and seeing double, and speaking of double, make mine one, look for him to score a brace against this troupe of girls from the murky CUNT-ry.

You never know quite what you are going to get with West Brom, and me missus never knows what she is going to get from me when I'm pissed up. Could be my backhand, but you never know when ol' Markie is going to go with the proper hat trick: backhand, forehand, fist. Hey-oh! Well last week West Brom were as unhinged as my mind by the pace of Newcastle's front three in their home defeat by the Magpies last week.

So, I have to go for a pint, and a tenner on an Everton win here. They have their scruffy neighbors in the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley to look forward to, and they want to pip the mercenaries out of a European spot as well. Paper clips and pencil erasers are the only resources David Moyes has got at his disposal, but that could be enough to pip slop like the redshite.

Moyes came straight out after Tuesday's win at Sunderland to say they are the underdogs in that semi-final against Liverpool, and I awoke this morning in the need of the hair of the dog.With the way the Toffees are playing now, they will quite fancy themselves to make it all the way to the final.

Prediction: 27-0




                     Mark Lawrenson is usually a bit over the top. What do I think? 



 




                                 ONE 




 





         TWO 




 





        THREE 



                                 FOUR 



 





              Ooh, so close! 



    Drive safely on your trip back to the midlands.  :)



 

             NORWICH PREVIEW 


                   There will be two less traveling supporters...



"DA TOFFEE LADY WAS MEAN TO US!"

 


                                 he was concerned that his daughter had been left out by the Toffee Lady 





Furious fan Brian Kelly
 and his daughter Evie
Furious fan Brian Kelly and his daughter Evie



Mr Kelly e-mailed the club on March 12 saying he was concerned that his daughter had been left out by the Toffee Lady - a highlight of the game for the youngster.

He said: "I e-mailed the club two days after the game telling them that Evie had been ignored.



"But attached to the e-mail were internal e-mails with horrible comments about my daughter. 



No toffee for YOU, my pretty! Here, have an apple. It's got razor blades. 

                          WHAT TO LOOK FOR 



Why are Liverpool dressed like lemon-lime popsickles?





 

 


Hey, this ain't Wembley! The bus driver lied!




 


c'mon, norwich, these are shit! 




Our recent history suggests that this will be a 0-1 loss, or a lucky 1-1 draw. Despite our Wembley dreaming, look for a 2-1 Toffee's victory. I'm sorry I used the word "Toffees" Don't want to get her father started again. 



 

everton versus sunderland second shot at the tamale preview



 

LOOK FOR DRENTHE TO START DESPITE ODD RUMERS  

     



   drenthe undergoes pre-match fitness test 

 

You know you will see a lone striker up front with Cahill behind him.

 




       I'll never see the ball 






        ! ! ! ! ! 







I wonder what time it is in Argentina? 


        No matter. Look for Heitenga and Gibson to net. 2-0 Everton. 



 

             ARSENAL PREVIEW 


                        News Item: "Arsenal Ready For Everton"


                                REACTION: I Don't Think So.


                         Here is what Arsenal are "Ready" For:

                                                                                          Life is full of surprises 

 Oh, Mother, look at me! I bet I'm playing playing the prettiest football, ever!



And I'd be surprised if this guy likes pretty football. 






 





        EVERTON 3 ARSENAL 1 



 




Ooh, Arsene, Noo, I'm sorry. The answer was, "Who Are Everton Football Club?"

 

   WTF? 

 

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hThe England fans acknowledge 'Arry with thunderous applause!

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Lookit how confident 'Arry is. He gives his team a thumbs up. They're ready for Argentina in this World Cup Final  

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Look how cool 'Arry is. England up by one with minutes remaining. How does he do it?









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"And it's another massive implosion by Spurs as Everton win by three goals to one. Goodness gracious, but what could Harry have been thinking?" 

 

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And, umm, I thought that if perhaps you would pass me the ball we could be so much more than soul mates, we could be teammates... 

 



               I'LL TAKE WINNERS, FOR FIVE-HUNDRED, ALEX... 


 



 "OKAY, THIS 2012 EDITION OF THE LEAGUE CUP SAW--" 


 


"WHO IS LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB." 





 





Nooooooo...I'm sorry... 



 



 

 

 
 

                       LOL! 

 

 Who Hates Black People? 





 



 

BILY IS GONE, BUT HAS SOME PARTING WORDS FOR MOYES 

"You are Mister Stupid Playing No Creative Football Stupid Man Cunt Red Hair!"

 


" I'll fookin' kick your soft-arrsed skull into mushy peas, you little--hey! No step overs! Get back on defence! Ye can't draw a match with the ball at yer feet...NO, don't take on your man, PASS IT TO THEIR KEEPER, SOFT LAD...ARGH, GO, JUST GO! LITTLE CREATIVE WANNA BE NONCE!"




 

                               "Right, then. Two-Point-Five Mil Rain down on me!" 



 

                                                    fifteen JaNUary, 2012 

                 HELL, YES! 

     EDSON...FREAKING...BUDDLE! 

 

              14 January 2012 


Darron Gibson: "Wayne Rooney suggested Everton to me."

Translated, Wayne said:


"Mate, if you want a match, why don't you piss off over to Everton? I hear they're desperate for players."

"I never thought he'd do it!"