School of Science

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Monday, 08, 08, 11

I should always do the news on a day when the number of the day matches the number of the month so I can avoid the Yank/English calendar confusion. Well, with just a week before the season, and--WHOA, THERE! What the ding-dong-doodle? Peter Crouch for Jack Rodwell? Oh, it's being talked about at the highest levels, okay, nevermind.

Let's see...another bid for jagielka was turned down with this comment by Moyes. "I have no desire to sell Phil to Arsenal, or anybody else, and if Arsene asks again, he'll get a french fry up his arse."

There is talk about the opener in London not taking place because of the riots. Uh-huh. Rioters generally settle down after they get their laptops and big-screen televisions. The match will take place.

And finally, there is just less then a month to go until the deadline ends. Still time for a deadline day miracle of a central defender brought in on loan. 

Wednesday, 20-07-11

Well, the transfer gossip is in a frenzy. Not for Everton, though. No, if  transfer rumors are to the top clubs in the league what strippers are to brass poles, then Everton transfer rumors are to excitement what a bowl of oatmeal is to a corpse. However, I do have news, yes, indeed, I do have that for you.

Hey, here is some news! Heitinga said that he is well rested this year, and looks forward to the season. Then, he dropped THIS bombshell, AND I QUOTE: "I like to win." Be assured I dropped everything and got on the phone to my bet fair agent immediately. Talk about an unfair advantage! He also mentioned, in an exclusive aside, that, "I would like to win some silverware and get this over-bite taken care of once, and for all."

Oh, looky here. Rodwell is going to stay with us because he is shit. Well, that's what the papers say.  "Last year Rodwell was valued at 20 million, and although this year Everton have dropped their price tag to 15 million, City have told them to go fuck themselves."

Captain Phil made headlines today with this one: "We have had a top four finish before, and have got a real taste for Champion's League football in our mouths. However, these days, Bill has penetrated our mouths with another sort of taste."

OMG! What is this? "Be an Everton Mascott" I wonder if our back up goalkeeper knows about this?

Speaking of a bad taste in your mouth, Everton has once again been caught taking the piss with an offer for Wigan's N'Zogbia. Wigan are demanding ten million pounds, and Everton are willing to match that, however, the banks are not.

n a non Everton related item, Xavi apologized for remarks he made about Arsenal's Fabregas. However, if you heard these comments it sounded like monkey shrieks mixed with gibberish. Oh, "OK," it was a foreign language. Suuuurree. Whatever. I'm out of here and can't wait until August!


Saturday, 09-07-11

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, but these days do take their toll on me. We Evertonians are no more than fish-tank guppies, living in captivity without being captivated. We dutifully lurk at the bottom of the aquarium, and when some dried plankton sprinkles down from above and settles onto the surface of our murky waters, we go absolutely bat-shit and swim to the top. That is where we tread water, look at each other, blow a few bubbles, and say, "This the same old shit, ain't it?"

If your companion is like one of my guppies, he will mumble, "yes," before throwing himself into a feeding frenzy as though a tramp had spied a half-eaten tortilla. Not me. I look at the transfer news the way a whore looks at a fat-man's hard-on. And then I get down to business:

Let's see here...Moyes is looking at a young goalkeeper--Oh, come on now, am I reading the obituaries, or something? Young goalkeeper, blah-de-blah, had more consonants is his name than Kenwright has dollars, blah-de-bla-dee-blah, Chris Woods strangled him to death. Services will be held in Motherwell. I would rather eat a mouthful of plankton--no, shit, than see our transfer season summed up with some no-mark goalkeeper of the future with a one-way ticket to Scotland shoved up his arse, locked and loaded.

Ha, unrelated, but I just saw something that said, "Conclusive Proof Harry Redknapp an Idiot?" The death of writing is at hand when editors can't spot a question mark being used in place of a full stop.

And that is the transfer news for us, dear guppytonians. I know I haven't been around as much as I should, and if I am your only source of Everton news, I truly apologize. Let me catch you up on what you have missed. 

Saturday, 12-06-11

Wow! The rumors are flying around as crazy as the English that flies out of the mouth of the manager of England. Let's have a look...

First off, I would like to know if Rodwell is so good then why is he in the English baby squad?  Rooney was in the full-on man-squad when he was twelve, even if his hair line did make him look like a Gerber baby even then.

I was minding my own business reading an article about Spurs being spurned, again, this time by Lille, for their top rated striker, Gervinho.  Lille were miffed that Spurs only offered 11.5 million, when they expect to collect about, 20 million for him. The article then added, AND I QUOTE; "Everton are also said to be interested." Is this a pisstake? Is this phrase, "Everton are also said to be interested," to become this millennium's version of, "Yeah, and OJ is still out there looking for the real killer"?

***angrily flips the pages***

Well, Manchester City's Boyata is interested in playing for Everton, according to his father, and don't dads always get it right when looking out for their (own) sons' best interest?

Everton Race Against Time to get 11 million for N'Zogbia. That is a headline I saw. Is this to be some reality TV show? Everton's Race Against Time? Moyes, Round, and Kenwright scream around in an old jalopy racing to win 11 million for a player? While Chris Woods runs after them, trying to hold his pants up, and Tim Howard chasing him and lashing him with pure, non tourettes curse words?

Bra will not sign. Good, the non-autograph-signing-two-letter-surname-panty-waste piece of monkey excrement. I hope his hair dies.

Oh, and Arsenal are said to be in for Baines.  I am Pissing myself laughing at these drying powers of English Football. There was a time they were like dog trainers holding all the sausages. With a snap and a little release of sausage they could get whaever they wanted. Now, the only sausage they hold is their own. They say, "Come, boy!" and the answer is a cold gust of wind into the open flap of their underwear. Tuck the shrivled up away, old powdered ones. The landscape is changing.


Monday, 30-05-11

The internet is chock full of stories saying that Moyes hasn't given up on keeping Rodwell. I will quote Moyes, from today, here. "I'm all for him going." Okay, so he was talking about the U-21s. However, there is nothing he said that indicates he thinks he will keep Rodwell. Oh, there is this, if you are holding out hope. When talking about Rodwell's up and down year, quote, "The year that we sold Rooney, he had his ups and downs as well." Bye, Jack. Have a great tournament, we need the money.

Joey Barton is out at Newcastle. He said, "I don't want to leave Newcastle." Translated, "Pull your thumb out, Moyes, and come get me. Whatever, I've covered my tracks." It is said he would come cheap.

Several newspapers, (one, but I want it to sound more impressive,) are reporting that Bothroyd is a done deal.

The rumors still abound that limp-wristed, non-wanna-be autograph signer, Ba, is still in our sites. I'll have a high-powered scope with that.


Thursday, 26-05-11

Well, the hallways of whispers beckons me, and of what, do they bespeak?  They say Rodwell is about to go to United for around 15 million. Gee, thanks for that, whispers. Is that what I pay you for? What? You say there's more? Arteta said, quote, "I won't miss seeing him clomping about the midfield with his thumb up his ass." end quote. Wow! That's more like it!

What else do you have for me? Everton are thinking of bringing in West Ham striker Demba Ba? The same Demba Ba who refused to sign an autograph for a child because he said he was "too tired," that Ba? If some cunt is too soft to drag a pen across a sheet of paper for a moment then he is definately too soft to drag his sorry ass about the pictch for ninety minutes. And, as somebody on LASH pointed out, his refusal to sign because he was tired is made worse by the fact that his surname is only two letters long. NO THANKS TO THIS PILE OF BIG STEAMY.

And, our scouts are watching a striker from a club called Racing Genk. He is called Jelle Vossen. "Jelle of the Genk" has sort of that 'Roy of the Rovers" jenesequa, don't it? Oh, that word was French, by the way, that's why it looks mispelt. It means, magic, or, something.

If you see Moyes rooting through the division one dumpsters somewhere, be sure to email me and I'll get it up. The news. Like.

Thursday, 12-05-11

David Moyes says that the Under-Twenty-One European championships will be good for...

A. Finding a first-team for next year

B.Predatory sex-hunting by City's Mancini


lAIN Turner is finally leaving Goodsion Park without ever having arrived. In a comically related story, Moyes is looking to bring Irish Keeper Keiren Westwood in. You know, it's like a conga line. We bring in promising keepers, and Chris Woods magically turns them into crap!

The only reason Nigel and Tim thrived is that they both told Woods to go f*ck himself. Nigel, on purpose, of course.

Laughable news sees Man City now want Rodwell. Listen, sunshine. You can have Jackie when your big brother, Alex, is bloody well done with him. Now shut up, lick the scraps off Alex's plate and have another double helping of two Everton-sized boots up your ass for next season. Dig, maaaaaan?


Wednesday, 08-5-11

***  david Moyes is planning a pancake breakfast at Goodison to raise funds for bringing in Landon Donovan next season.

***Skipper Phil Neville is urging Everton fans to go easy on Lescott this weekend. Who?



Monday, 02-5-11

***Okay, let's check out the internet. Click, cklick, click, and...there's a dick in my face. Click the X in the upper right corner, click...ah, yes, the news. I see where it says Mikel Arteta is delighted to be back in action. Hmmm, I must have missed something this weekend.

***"Moyes inspired by Walter Smith" Hold on, now. Is that just like, he's inspired by Smith's toughness? His tactics? His knack for playing players out of position? His ability to bring overpriced gacks into the team? Maybe he's inspired by the fact that Smith made it out of Goodison.

***Moyes wants "hefty" fee for Yakubu. You know what I want for Yakubu? I want for Yakubu to score goals for Everton. But, since that's not going to happen, how much is Moyes demanding? Two million? Maybe I'll just go back and click the dick in my face, because that's what getting two million for Yakubu is. A huge dick in my face.

***Speaking of dicks, Ferguson is back and now he's looking at Coleman. Here's a song I learned as a kid: "Give me this, give me that, give me what I'm pointing at! Gotta have everything, little and big, and that's the story of the Gimme Pig!"




 Friday, 22-4-11

***Everton are "chasing" a 29 year old defender with a name I can't spell. He plays for Stuttgart. I wonder if he can play up front?

***Toke and Everton are after midfielder Guy Moussi...Stoke will get him, then.

***Everton are interested in striker Pierre Webbo (is that name for real?) and are thought to be offering--hold on, now. Why are we even "chasing" or "after" players? What are we going to pay with, chickens and goats? Scraps of beef jerkey?

In fact, everytime I see that we are interested in a player my mind just goes, "la, la, la, la, la." Like this: "Everton are said to be persuing French midfielder LA, LA, LA, LA, LA." I'm happier that way.

***Oh, and Jagielka has admitted to being a United fan...Well, you've got the queery hairstyle for it, I'll give ya that.



Wednesday, 13, 04-11

***How stunned was I today when I sliced open the internet to see that Fellaini is "Delighted" to sign a new deal with Everton? Whaaa? Maybe his injury is in his brain. He said he couldn't wait to sign an extension with us, he loves the manager, and can't wait to see what exciting new players are brought to the club for next season. I just added that last bit. Would love to see his face when he finds out he IS the new players added for the new season. 


***Heitinga and Rodwell are going to be at Everton Two tomorrow to meet the fans and sign farewell cards


***Everton have their one good eye on a French Ligue One striker named "Youssef." He was alright in the 70's when he had that hit, "Everton's Broken"  Hit it, a one, and a two..."Everton's broken like a league one club, chairman's a vulture, won't give us closure..." THANK YOU! I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!



Monday, 04-04-11


***Lordy, lordy, what are we going to find this morning? Hmm...I see Everton are tracking Mexican youngsters. Yeah? So am I. I call it surfing the Mexican soaps for young latinas.

***Everton are looking to "cash in" on Yobo. Give me a moment to rub my hands together in a show of exaggerated greed.

***Everton are looking to get Arsenal's "Miguel" on loan. Reaction: Can we afford that? I can just see Wenger before he hands over the youngster to Moyes. He delicately rubs his chin and says, "There's just one little matter of one Master Leighton Baines..."  Don't look into his eyes, Davey lar

***Finally, Moyes is tracking Tim Cahill's mate, Mile Jedinak, a midfielder with parents so stupid they couldn't even spell the shortened version of "Michael" correctly.


 Wednesday, 30-3-11

***Here is something I actually saw when I stuck my head into the internet today: "Moyes Admits Frustration" Let's just let that settle into the echoed footfalls of empty chambers for a moment. Donsies? Okay, then. Here is a news item as well:

***Kenyon Ledford admits he wishes he were rich. Adolf Hitler admits heaven would be more boss than sub-hell. Let's travel further along the "OMG!" highway, shall we?


***Some "Lifelong Everton Fan" who owns-runs-part owns, whatever, the extremely crappy Atlanta Hawks of the NBA has expressed interest in getting a consortium together to purchase Everton. Uh, huh. Bill Kenwright was so thrilled he gave the guy an air-kiss on each cheek and a season ticket to the boys pen. In short; buh-bye!




 Monday, 28-3-11

***There are now two reasons to watch England this week and they both play in defence.

***Alex Ferguson is the man who bleats like a billy goat showing off a tin can it found in the trash. He is now willing to offer us some bologna and old sandwich wrappers with the smell of meat still in them, plus some cash, buttons and old rubber bands for Jack Rodwell. If I were Moyes I would Crock Rodwell up a bit more, Fellaini style, then take the deal.




 Sunday, 27-3-11

***If I was in charge of throat-slashing in this world Saturday night would have been a bloody old time in New Jersey, USA. Credit to the American players cocking their heads and looking angrily into the crowd of sub humans yelling "stuff" The world would benifit if these people were murdered tonight. Yes, I said it, and why not? Can you argue? Would you like to be sat near them? Have them in your neighborhood? Near your children? Tim Howard, in particular seemed to glare at the crowd of (I'm reigning in the explitives) I really hope they die. Stripped the evening of American pride, for me.



 Saturday, 26-3-11

With his squad going their seperate ways for internationals, Moyes sings to them his rendition of, "You Belong To Me" 

See the Galaxy in old L.A., go to Magic Mountain, but don't stay

Just remember, Tim, your back-up's crappy

And you belong to meeee


Go to Belgium--stay away from dad, if your agent calls, don't take it, lad

You know money can't make you happy

And you belong to meeeeeee


Ohhhhhh, Jackie, Ride the buses of old London Town, Don't let talk of transfers get you down

Just don't agravate your injury

While you still belong to meeeeee


Thank you! Thank you very much! I'll be here all summer! Waiting...


***Let's see, what else is there? Rodwell out for season. Check.

***Loaned out another player, Shane Duffy. Who? Right. Check.

***Everton's 9 Million pound Wally World pushed back another year. Check.

Okay! Looking good, looking good! Where's my season ticket renewel form? I am pumped and ready to sign! 

 Thursday, 24-3-11

***I see that Johnny H is talking about leaving again. The Everton website I saw it on had about a bazillion *Likes* under it.

***Louis Saha: "Difficie de rejour avant la fin la saisun." Well, what the hell is that? Some sort of rhyming slang? Speak English, jerk! If my Spanish is more or less bien, he said, "Me no feel good. No likey play rest of season."

Reaction: Who cares? We have JB and VA and Pita Slice and that one guy on the bench with a funny name.

 Wednesday, 23-3-11

***Well, let's run down the day's headlines, shall we? *ruffles sports page*

Let's see here, "No Recall For Yakubu" Well, and why the hell should we? Hello? We've already GOT a forward.***Tottenham is eying another one of our players. Yes, well that headling certainly is more printable than, "Harry Eye's Another Glass Of Wine and 'Bloated-Red-Face' Surgery"

What else is there...Hmm, it says here that Everton need to sell to manage their 'mountain of debt' Well, I should bloody hope so, and about time! Did anybody think we could dine loan players and scrubs from Greece AND have a back-up 'keeper in the squad without one day the bill coming due?

Ooh, Bill's got a new production of "I'm Laffin' Lid!" due out in August. Can't. Effing. Wait.


 Monday, 21-3-11

***Real Madrid and Chelea are now sniffing about Fellaini, each being told, "25-million. Moyes is trying to get a new five year deal done for Mauro, but his father, whose name is a collection of random consonents splatted against a wall is talking out his (I assume) drunk ass again threatening to cock things up.

***Moyes wants to bring cup winner David Weir back to Goodison in a coaching role and I say, YES. Him and Stubbs can give the lads nose bleed lessons.

Sunday, 20-3-11

***News of the World has printed a story saying the reds want to buy Baines this summer. They are said to want to offer 10 million. Go 'ead, Dalsglish, lad. Gerrim, and you'll never walk again.

 Friday, 18-3-11

*** Moyes today has said, again, that Rodwell isn't for sale. Well, skoop-de-diddle! How about dusting off the old yard sale sign and hanging it around the youngsters neck before he expires like sour milk. What are we going to buy new players with? In a related story the plastic water bottle recycling program at Finch Farm is kicking into high gear.

*** Jagielka has signed a new four year deal so look for him to turn into a pumpkin by midnight.


***Kieren Dyer is said to be on his way in the summer. On his way out of football, you ask? No, his 32-year old arse is suposedly set to be on its way to Goodison.


*** Fulham tomorrow in an almost night match. Fulham have trouble winning away from home and they are rubbish. Look for the Cottagers to snap up the three points at Goodison Park tomorrow evening. Night. Whatever.