School of Science

Here is the look back at 2013:

At Norwich: February 

At halftime, a sloshed Delia had managed to get hold of a microphone and slur her way through “Born This Way.” 

 Everton get off to a slow start against Reading at Goodison:

Everton's attacks, for the most part, seemed to consist of breaking into discussion groups whenever the ball came near them in enemy territory

February: Wigan Walk In To Goodison Park and Deliver a Bitch Slap to Everton

If sex really does impede athletic performance, then it is high time Everton stay away from the whorehouses before matches. This shamed group of players clodded into Goodison on legs that newborn colts would laugh at 

March: Everton Dominate Man City and Osman scores

Joe Hart, who looks like a prize you would get at a circus for not knocking down enough bowling pins, picked his own prize out of the net and sent it toward the midfield in the most dour manner possible.  

Arsenal Get Zero Calls in Goalless Draw In April:

Often, by looking at an old woman you can still see traces of the beauty that she used to be. She, too, can hear the echoes of the whistles that no longer follow her as she sashayed about town. Arsene Wenger and his footballing club remind me of such a forgotten beauty. 

Horrid and Droll Anfield Derby; May

This match may have started with a kickoff, but it never kicked off. It was sex without orgasms. It was a pub crawl without the pub. It was a chess match without any of the pieces from the back row. It was a match report without an end. 

Everton Dominate Westham to End the Season and Bid Goodbye To Moyes

Finally, the commentator was able to announce, “This is better by West Ham” as the two teams trotted off the pitch for halftime. 

After Slow Start To New Season, Everton Beat Chelsea At Home, and Tim Howard has grown a beard: 

OMG, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT BEARD? Howard looks like one of those freaks with bees all over his face! 

Everton's fans enjoy the new style of play as Newcastle visit in October:

There was as much joy listening to the crowd reacting to the play as there was in watching the play, itself. Oohs and Ah's were rising and falling like a summer crowd at an air show. Newcastle's fans looked like jurors at the Nuremberg trials. 


Explaining Everton's successes from late last century until now: (@Man City)

 in those waning days of the last century, Everton have resembled the airline business before the Wright Brothers became involved in it. However, since then, and up to this point, they have evolved enough to resemble the Wright Brothers' first flight. That is to say, wildly successful if you aren't flying to Europe, or anywhere beyond a donkey and a bale of hay. 

Steve Bruce Leads the "Hull Tigers" Into Goodison

Steve Bruce is not the gift that keeps on giving. He is the gift that keeps getting re-gifted. My God, where will this man “turnip” next? I Googled “Steve Bruce's successes as a manager,” and this is what I got: “Steve Bruce was born on December 31, 1960.” 

That may well have been a late lump of coal in his parents' Christmas stockings, but what a boon it was for the shit clubs of the world! Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give a huge Goodison Park welcome to the Hull Tigers, led by Steve Bruce!” 

David Moyes, are you watching? Late October at Villa

Naismith and Barry combined to send a pass into the electro-magnetic field of Leon Osman, who set the frequency to high, and the shot to low, beating the keeper inside the left post to end the match. The Villa fans dropped their heads and boarded the people mover conveyor belt to Loserville, as the Everton fans sang a song that rang around the empty park: “David Moyes, are you watching?”  

Dire Match @ Palace

This match, in fact, was like watching carpet cleaning soap going to work on your carpet, and it ended like the fizzing bottle of beer that caused the need for carpet cleaning in the first place.


Late November: Pre Match Thoughts: Goodison Derby

This is a world that has gone so horribly wrong. Terrorism has become mundane, looters ravage streets already ruined by hurricanes, children are ripped away from sports fields and tossed onto battlefields, drive-by shootings are heard popping out of cars and into houses where babies sleep, and drug cartels shovel burned and decapitated bodies into mass graves the way a squeegee wipes water off a windscreen. Dear God, why then can't you just nudge Liverpool's bus into the path of a train that has Phil Dowd strapped across its front?

The First Half ends at the Goodison Derby:

The half ended with Sueraz yet again curled up on the pitch, twitching like a diseased hamster that couldn't get another call. The ref ignored him, although an elephant hunter stopped by and tried to pry some of that precious ivory from his horrible mouth. 

5 December: Old Trafford:

Throw away the dictionary; irony has finally been defined. Toss the garlic; Dracula is dead. Stop knocking on wood; the door's been smashed, and shine up your Saint Christopher's, because we're coming home singing. Ding dong, the wicked witch is melting from a chucked bucket of magical water off the Costa Rican coast. 

@ The Emirates:  Everton play sexy, yet disapointing football:

Well, if football is like sex, Everton were employing their tantric strategy. The silky smooth foreplay by the team in blue had plenty of panties peeling, deep, soulful looks, teasing pauses, coy passes and sexy touches. However, the end product was still like using a rubber band to stave off an orgasm.

Mid December, and the Fulham PL Rejects Visit Goodison:

Poor Fulham. Look at the names on the back of their shirts:







Their roster reads like a “Who's Who” in the obituaries. 

Swansea FAQ Pre Match @ Goodison:

*DID YOU KNOW...? Swansea are in the Premier League? 

Swans: The Match: Everton's Most Boring Win Ever.

To my chagrin, halftime ended, forcing me back to the TV screen, and away from the fireplace screen.

Well, both teams started up again with the same old crap going nowhere fast. To my mind, they resembled a convention of businessman trying to hand out business cards to a delegation of Jehovah's Witnesses who were trying to hand them copies of The Watchtower. 

Boxing Day Treat for Sunderland:

this match began with Everton playing like magicians at a children's birthday party. A magician at a children's birthday party who had left the rabbit at home:

“Okay, see this hat?”


“Yes, see this hat? it's empty!”


“Okay, erm, see this hat? This hat is silk!”

“Doesn't it have a rabbit or something inside that you can pull out?”

“I can place this hat on my head, or take it off my head...” 

Everton Have a Make-Shift Lineup for Southhampton:

It was almost as though a huge slotted spoon had scooped all the sausage from the gravy and replaced it with lumps.


That ends the best of, for 2013. Hoping for a great New Years, and that nobody has you slotted in for their Death Pool.