School of Science


Saha's goal VS Fulham @ goodison, Spring of 2011

Baines rolled to Saha who hit a screamer so hard that the Fulham players all parted their legs quicker than Dotty Cotton at a book signing, and the ball sailed through to put a bulge into the net. 

Halftime, VS Villa Spring, 2011

I watched Kenwright in his box at Halftime. He had his arms folded, legs crossed and was chomping gum. Then I saw Bill Gates, of all people, walk up to Bill and say something. Bill didn't even look at Gates and by reading Kenwright's lips I saw him say, "Piss off." Curious. 

Moyes takes Beckford off at Woves

Moments later, Moyes, who had been barking at Beckford about his work rate flagged down a vendor and bought a program. He thumbed through it, ran his finger down a page in the middle, then said to Round, "Here, this might work, get this one, number twenty-six out there, and get that goal scoring piece of shit out."

A lengthy, yet accurate description of Baine's penalty against Blackburn

Everton were awarded a penalty when a titanic blow up likeness of Big Sam's head, left over from the tribute, tumbled onto the pitch creating panic among the players who had a phobia of 'fat faces spitting when they talk'  (On the sub's bench Vic crossed himself and then stabbed a rooster in a sacrafice to rid the area of evil spirits)

Leighton Baines minced up to the spot, cocked his hip and swished a ball into the right hand corner of the net.


Ominous start to the match at Old Trafford, near season's end

This started out on a one-way street with United's players running at Everton like Jai-alai players. Tim Howard was pelted by more balls than Steven Gerrard ever swallowed in lock-up.

Rounding Out Our Lineup:

Vic was tossed up front on his own as shark chum.

Osman Puts the final nail in City's coffin:

Neville floated in a long, dainty, 'maybe it will, maybe it won't' cross, that Osman, from about fifteen yards out, leapt up at, and caught his head on. Leon's head hit the pitch harder than it had hit the ball, and while Leon lay face down counting stars, his header headed for the Milky Way, changed its mind and took a dump into the City net. Mancini looked as though he were about to take a dump of his own while Moyes made obscene 'wanger' motions at him. Not really, but it would be cool

Hibbert prevents an open net goal at West Brom

 The Africans watched the ball bounce harmlessly away. One of them clucked his tongue in a series of noises that translated to, "Fuck off, lad. You look like a fuckin' shoe!" 

Moyes presents his lineup versus Queen's Park Rangers:

Moyes pointed a line-up- finding-formation-deciding-divining rod at his players, and thus divined, the players took to the pitch, at home, in the season opener, against QPR, in a 4-5-1 formation.

Moyes makes a substitution against Rovers

It was interesting that the cameras, at this point, caught Moyes consulting the astrology section of the newspaper. He tapped his finger on it confidently, and if my lip reading skills are as sharp as they used to be, he told Steve Round, "Capricorn. get Beckford in there." Of course, if Moyes had consulted his watch, instead of the astrology section, he would have seen that only five minutes remained, his players sucked, and so did he.

September, Everton have sold Arteta 

 Everton began by playing football as though Artet'a loss had been more of an exorcism than a cross to bear. 

Moyes makes a substitution and the substitute scores (Wigan)

Now Moyes was strutting up and down the family enclosure with his hands tucked under his amrpits, and flapping his arms while cock-a-doodle-dooing and bugging his eyes out at the fans.

City: Moyes makes some substitutions that don't work out

Moyes let Saha out from his doghouse and put him onto the pitch. Saha responded by barking at the moon, wandering around, and scratching himself. Drenthe and the Greek followed, and the three subs trotted around the pitch like strays looking to see if anybody would feed them. Nobody did.

Gerrard Comes on as a sub

Gerrard came on. Has anybody noticed that in the past few years his aging and scabby face is beginning to look like one of Joey Barton's cigar ashtrays? 

My Mind Wanders during the Chelsea Match

Am I the only one who thinks that each time Petre Czeck comes out of his goal area he looks like a bizarre pitch invader? 

Zamora Donkey's it with an open net beckoning

and Zamora tapped it home for the goal—except he didn't. He put an exlamation point on his shot that would have torn the roof off the net if he hadn't skied it into the top of the stands instead. Then the ball bumbled back down the stadium stairs to the bottom, just like a slinky, until it landed in Fulham hearts like a lump of shit. 

Heitenga scores an own goal during a food-fest at fat-assed St. James

After about eleven minutes of forks being pushed around the plates, John Heitenga got up from the table, announced that he didn't feel too good, loosened his belt, and then spewed a football out of his bursting red face into his own net before Tim Howard could even tie on his own lobster bib.  

November visit by Wolves:

Wolves crept into Goodison Park today, snooping around for empty sandwich wrappers to lick, or a point or three to nick. What they got was a face full of relegation dung to sniff on, and they got a huge whiff of it, indeed.

Fellaini ends the match at Bolton:

Like a chimp escaping the testing facility Bily suddenly broke free, splaying open Bolton's left side, and drove an angry ground-eating cross that the charging Fellainie popped into the top of the net. Oh, it was SO on! Bolton responded by evacuating massive amounts of fans.

Commentator says Van Percy is close to the record for premiere league goals scored in a calendar year:

What they should say is that he is going for a record that is significantly less than Bob Latchford's, and devastatingly less than Dixie Dean's. If I had been in the commentator's booth I would have been happy to add that "Robbin" is a girl's name, and "Percy" isn't so hot, either. In fact, why does his name not have "Bruce" and "Gaylord" in it, as well? 

Substitutions V Norwich:

 Saha was demanding fouls to be called upon the years that kept dragging him down, and then Moyes, in a blind rage because he was cursed with the red hair, threw Drenthe onto the pitch and shoveled Magaye off like so much dog shit, and a pack of dingos rushed the pitch and ate what was left of Cahill after the opposition, again, were through with him. Drenthe, however, tore the pitch apart like a tasman devil.

Thank you for indulging me, and we will see you in 2012 for what I hope are happier times for the club, you, yours, me and mine. God Bless and Merry Christmas!